The German Chronicles
by The Rouge Glow-worm
Summary: My German class is insane. So insane that I got a lot of plot ideas from it. So, as a tribute to HP and Germans everywhere, I’ve taken events from my German class and written them with HP characters. Chapter 3 is up!
1. No Sex in the Potions Class, and If Ron ...

The German Chronicles  
  
A/N: My German class is insane. So insane that I got a lot of plot ideas from it. So, as a tribute to HP and Germans everywhere, I've taken events from my German class and written them with HP characters. My First Humor fic, and VERY funny. Based on actual events, all my friend have been re- named (  
  
I Own Nothing. Not Harry Potter, not the stories, not the German class, not the German teacher.  
  
Scene One: (subtitled: Sex in the Potions classroom)  
  
The half clad forms of Draco and Hermione jerked up suddenly as Snape flickered on the light in the Potions dungeon. Snape's eyes widened in horror as he watched the had-been-snogging students scramble off of the desktop.  
  
"OHMIGOD!" He yelped. "THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON MY DESK!" his eyes rolled back in his head as Draco grinned and slid across the room to stand eye-to-eye with the distraught Potions master.  
  
"You're right… and you're next!" Draco grabbed the older man's face and leaned in for a kiss.  
  
"GOD NO!" Snape ran screaming from the room and didn't return the rest of the day.  
  
Scene Two: (subtitled: if Ron took Ancient Runes)  
  
"…. and the easiest way to pronounce this rune is 'erechts,' with a drawl on the 'ch.' In English, it translates to 'reach.'"  
  
Ron looked up from his notes to see Professor Vector's drawing of the rune. Quite suddenly, he found a connection which might help him remember the rune and the pronunciation. I'd better ask....  
  
"Professor Vector, is that were we get the English word 'erect?' They look a lot alike."  
  
Vector glared at Ron. "Mr. Weasley, let's not even go there, shall we?"  
  
Ron looked surprised. "No, really, not to be sick, but for example if you have a tall house you have an erect house. See?"  
  
Vector lost her temper. "Mr. Weasley, please return to your notes."  
  
Silence. Then, quite suddenly, there was an odd scratchy noise. Professor Vector…was laughing? She was! Giggling like a bloody little girl!  
  
"Mr. Weasley… (hahahaha!) … I'd hate to see you as a real estate agent… (hahahaha!) 'Yes, sir, this is (hahahaha!) a very nicely erect house! (hahahaha!)" Professor Vector fell to the floor laughing, and after she regained breath enough to dismiss the class, she did so.  
  
  
  
A/N: No kidding, these things really happened in my German class. It's funny to picture them as HP characters. Feel free to use these revised in your stories, if they're that good (I'm conceited), or just tell me what you think. I'll write more, I have plenty.  
  
  
  
I love reviews… I love reviews… I'm feeling unloved… Love Me! 


	2. If Quizzes are Quizzical, then what are ...

You people wanted more, and I've got plenty to add to the German Chronicles. My teacher's retiring this year, so I'm writing this as a tribute to him. Herr Helmus, wir Leiben Sie! Please R/R  
  
Scene three: (subtitled: if quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?)  
  
"Alright, class, settle down, settle down and move to a separate table everyone, get ready for your test." McGonagall passed out test papers quickly as the students scrambled for quills and ink.  
  
"This test will be partially written and partially oral. We will complete the oral part now. After each question I read, please write down your answer. I will read each question only once, so pay attention.' McGonagall's stern look left no one about to question this new method of testing.  
  
~~ Halfway through the test ~~  
  
Crabbe was bored. He'd never sat this far from Goyle or Malfoy before. How was he supposed to cheat? He rubbed his dull eyes and stood to cross the room and look at Malfoy's paper. McGonagall wouldn't notice, right?  
  
"Mr. Crabbe!" snapped McGonagall, amazed. "I'm astounded. Please resume your position so we can continue this."  
  
Crabbe thought for a moment. What was she talking about? Surely not…… But maybe so. Without another hesitation, Crabbe stood in front of McGonagall and bent over. That was, after all, what he associated with a position.  
  
THWACK! McGonagall has picked up a meter stick and whipped it as hard as possible across Crabbe's head. "You sick pervert, Crabbe, please wait until after class."  
  
A/N: Only one this time, and totally out of character. It really happened this way, I swear, it's been stretched a bit to fit Hogwarts, but there sadly are people out here who really act like this (coughcough Westphal)  
  
I love reviews… I love reviews…. I'm feeling unloved... LOVE ME! 


	3. You'll just WISH to bleed, Draco

Another German Story… we're having a retirement party for my German Teacher this Friday…. We finally drove him nucking futs. Ah. We love him and he loves us so we'll all be good. Now on to another idiotic deutsche klasse….  
  
Oh! By the way, I have no clue who teaches what. Thanks to Medrelina the Weird for the correction about Professor Vector and Silverfox for my spelling correction. I Don't know who teaches Astronomy, so I'm calling them Professor Vector again. R/R if you know. Thanks!  
  
  
  
Harry glanced at his watch. He really had to leave now. But Snape was in the middle of a rant about poor behavior. No way was he gonna get up in the middle of class and leave, even if Snape knew he was going to. Harry and Hermione had to make up an Astronomy class they had missed while helping Hagrid care for his newest class specimen, a Puffskein. They weren't as cute as they seemed, as one of them had wrapped itself around Harry and Hermione's legs, causing them both to fall and become immobile.  
  
Because of that, they had missed Astronomy, and to make it up, Professor Vector told them they had to chart a complicated star chart while the sky was in a certain place. But they could only do it once a month on a certain time. This month, it was NOW, and they had to do it then, because the next two fell on holidays when they would be away from school. Professor Vector had told Snape to let them out when they needed to go, and Snape had (grudgingly) consented.  
  
But as the time crept by, Snape showed no signs of dismissing the students. He continued with his lecture. Desperately, Harry signaled to Hermione and crawled on the floor. Hermione followed, and they snuck out of the class on hands and knees, dragging their bags behind them.  
  
They stood up once outside, congratulated each other, and ran off down the hall. Just as they reached the end of the corridor, however, the door to Snape's dungeon flew open, slamming dramatically into the wall behind it.  
  
"GET OUT YOU MORON! GET OUUUUUUT!" Snape's voice, magnified by seemingly a thousand times, shook the very foundation of Hogwarts as a book bag came sailing in a graceful arch out of the door. Following it very closely was Draco Malfoy and a pissed Snape, who catapulted Draco further down into the dungeons by his ears.  
  
"YOU'LL JUST WISH YOU COULD BLEED BY THE TIME YOU LEARN YOUR LESSON, MALFOY, YOU IGNORANT ARROGANT ASSHOLE!"  
  
Under any other circumstances, Harry and Hermione would have burst into laughter. But with Snape's menacing Growls and Mafloy's yelps of pain, it was all they could do to run for the Astronomy Tower as fast as they could and not look back.  
  
  
  
  
  
Again, based off of a true story. I love your guy's reviews, if you have any stupid stories to share, tell them to me and I'll add 'em to this. Thanks! You guys are great! 


	4. The Porta-Problem

Alright, this 'un's a big different from the rest. It involves a member of my German class, but it doesn't take place at school, in the presence of more than one (known) German speaker, has nothing to do with our beloved leader Herr Helmus, and might not be funny to anyone who has a respectable mind. That said, enjoy.  
  
P.S. Bits taken from Barry Trotter and the Unauthorized Parody, Cedric Diggory's Wake, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, and of course J.K. Rowling. I owe nothing, my pitiful penny fund won't buy a sock, sue me do not.  
  
~~~~~  
  
U.S.S. Silverslides*: World War II submarine. Current Residence: A tiny town a little south of Hell, Michigan (no joke). War Status: Has yet to be hit by a missile (although some people would argue this). Currently available for tours June through August.  
  
The happiest place on earth.  
  
And, of course, when you take our motley HP crew to America, this is one spot you just have to stop at. However, as you, reader, are about to find out, the HP tribe just doesn't mix well with Muggle history, cell phones, and port-a-johns. Still with me? Congratulations. I award you a cookie. And my sincerest apologies.  
  
  
  
(Opening scene is a submarine sitting above water docked in a nice bay. Sign advertises it the U.S.S. Silverslides. Early morning, some employees of the sub are wandering around inside. One is talking on the phone with a sewage company, something about the port-a-johns not being cleaned for a week.)  
  
(Exit the HP squad, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, Crabbe, Goyle, Seamus, Dean, Lavender, Parvati, blah blah blah, from the sub. They are led by their tour guide, an overweight ballet dancer by the name of Sarah*.)  
  
Sarah: (false perky voice) This concludes your U.S.S. Silverslides tour. Are there any questions I didn't answer already?  
  
Seamus: In the control room there were red and green lights, you called them the "Christmas" lights. Why are they called Christmas lights?  
  
Sarah: (blank and annoyed stare). Any iotheri questions?  
  
Goyle: Bathroom?  
  
Sarah: (points to port-a-johns) Over there. I apologize for them, we're having someone come later today to clean them. Finally. (At this she escapes un-noticed back into the sub, as the rest of the party have become distracted with their surroundings.)  
  
Ron: wow! Harry! Look at that! (Ron is excitedly pointing at a Muggle pay phone). It's a tellyphone, isn't it? Like what I called you with last break, remember?  
  
Harry: (looks exhausted, as though he's tolerated Ron's irritating excitability for just about as long as he could stand.) And you didn't know how to use it then, either, Ron. Leave it alone. Please. For the love of all you hold holy. Just leave the muggle items alone.  
  
Ron: (angry glare) Just because you grew up with muggles. *splutter splutter*  
  
Harry: (bristles) If you're so interested why didn't you take a Muggle Studies course?!? (walks away muttering about imbeciles allowed in public unsupervised)  
  
Hermione: At this point I should add that Harry actually wasn't raised by Muggles, the Dursleys, but instead was raised in an alternate universe, and, upon his 11th birthday was transported to said Muggles for reasons not yet clear to the average reader, but since Albus Dumbledore orchestrated the whole thing, must have some grain of wisdom. So, once again, Ron, you look stupid for not knowing something like that, which is now public knowledge.  
  
Bloomsbury Publisher: Indeed, Miss Granger, it's been public knowledge for the last few weeks, ever since The Leaky Cauldron (Long May They Live) posted that.. There's always a few characters who are willing to trade plot spoilers for a rare magical breed of animal *winks at Hagrid*  
  
(And now, of course, ensues the pointless porn that accompanies almost every Potterverse fic. Hermione and the publisher run into each others arms and snog each other senseless until they re-enter the story at a later date)  
  
  
  
  
  
Draco: (At the edge of the bay, looking into the water) Filthy. slimy.. Muggles can't even fight a war properly. just wait'll my father hears about this.. Hey! What's this? (pulls out a worn book from the edge of the water, riffles through it) *Evil Grin* teeheehee! What's this?  
  
Crabbe: *dully* What?  
  
Draco: Oh. Nothing. Go find Goyle. He's been gone awhile. Probably forgot which end to use. Pah! (sees his sick humor's been wasted on Crabbe.) Never mind. Go do something useful.  
  
Crabbe: *shrug* (wanders off to the port-a-johns to find Goyle.)  
  
Draco: (sits on a bench and starts thumbing through the water-logged pages.)  
  
  
  
Crabbe: (by the port-a-johns) Goyle?  
  
Goyle: Crabbe?  
  
Crabbe: Goyle?  
  
Goyle: Crabbe?  
  
Crabbe: Goyle?  
  
Goyle: .What?  
  
Crabbe: Where are you?  
  
Goyle: In here. The port-a-john.  
  
Crabbe: Come out.  
  
Goyle: Can't. I'm locked in the port-a-john  
  
Crabbe: (confused, has mis-heard Goyle) You want me to lock myself in a port-a-john? (thinks for a minute. Breaks a sweat.) Ok. (does so)  
  
(silence)  
  
*Names have been changed to protect to ignorants.  
  
A/N: I gotta go pee right now. I'm gonna post this and leave you all hanging. What will come of Sarah the dancer? What is it that Draco found? How will Crabbe and Goyle get out of their current pile of Schiess? What will Hermione and the Publisher's baby look like? ER, scratch that last bit. On to the next chapter! I promise, more pointless plot bunnies will make their presence known. 


End file.
